To Yuffie
by Firefly99
Summary: [Mild Clouffie] Cloud reflecting on Meteor, Sephiroth, his own imminent death, and a certain ninja.


To Yuffie

by Firefly99

Every team needs someone who can point out the obvious. Who can be brutally honest, and still make it a joke. Who can smile no matter what happens. The one who can laugh and laugh no matter how many fights had been lost, no matter what was going on – but not because they're uncaring.

Just because you were happy, Yuffie.

Not one of us was truly happy, I guess, except you. Aeris and Tifa, the group's twin smiles, only smiled for the benefit of the rest of us. Aeris was a Cetra, the last of her race, and I'm sure she knew what was going to happen to her. Tifa saw her hometown die along with her father. They both smiled, yeah. But they didn't mean it. They just knew that we needed them to tell us in some small way that it could all be better; that it wasn't so bad, that I hadn't screwed everything up.

It reminds me of that old song; the one about smiling when your heart is breaking.

But you were the one who showed that there was happiness to be found everywhere.

I'm a pessimist. I'm paranoid, neurotic, and I have enough problems to get me sent to an institution. I can't get along with people; I'm too ashamed of the glow in my own eyes to look into anyone else's. I'm a failure in almost every way – first as a friend, then as a SOLDIER, and then as an experiment. I try my best to be a leader, but I still lost someone dear to me along the way. I made mistakes. Everyone told me that it didn't matter. That we could still pull through and make it out alive.

I didn't believe them.

Except you.

You're everything to me, Yuffie. The voice of sunshine when we stand in a crater where no sun can penetrate and the only light is from the Lifestream seeping up through cracks in the rock. If something went wrong, you didn't get depressed – you got angry. You were bright and full of raw energy, surprisingly strong, and you could always laugh no matter what happened.

Admittedly I didn't take to you straight away. It had just so happened that you were going in the same direction as us. And I had started to regret teaming up with you.

I won't even go into the Wutai incident, because we agreed together that it never happened, and never to speak of it again.

But afterwards I suddenly understood who you were. And we…connected. And you'd talk to me, and I'd be open with you, and I could trust you.

I guess we both grew up that day.

It's very difficult to explain.

You never got upset at anything, Yuffie. Not really. But you weren't cold. You genuinely cared.

I remember when she died, how you cried yourself to sleep for weeks afterwards, and how you cried at the time. You were the only one who did.

You look terrible when you're crying, Yuffie. The tip of your nose turns red. You don't look good when you're sad. You're not made to be sad. You're meant to be happy, Yuffie, and to make sure everyone else stays happy.

The world needs happiness, Yuffie, and you were the only one here who had it.

Not that that's all you're good for. Don't think that for a moment.

You were fun, Yuffie. You could tell a story in a way to make everyone else crack up. You were crazy and wild, always ready to make a sarky joke, or burst out singing the Bottles of Beer song, always carefree and…happy.

Happy.

They say that teenagers are useless, that they don't know who they are. Maybe you didn't know who you were, but you were the only one of us who was sure that you were _you_. And god knows I envied you for that.

I was unsure. I wasn't the best leader. I made mistakes. When you have other people's lives in the balance, you can't afford to make even one. I'm not perfect, Yuffie. Nobody is. But you feel close to that.

You're strong and beautiful and intelligent and carefree. You make mistakes too. But that's human. You care for your hometown more than I've ever seen anyone care before. You are happy, Yuffie. Truly happy.

And I guess that's what really matters.

I don't even know why I'm thinking this. I mean, I'll never get to tell you or anything. Remember. Bugenhagen said that the Planet might destroy all humanity once Holy is called down, if it sees humans as a threat.

And yeah. I think that's what's going to happen.

And even if it doesn't – I'm a threat. I'm more Jenova than human. I'm an abomination unto the Planet. So I guess I'm going to die anyway.

I wish I wasn't going to. I wish I could go to Wutai with you. I'd even give you my materia, the whole lot if you want. I'd get the others to do the same. I'd go and help you return Wutai to a superpower. If you said I could, that is. I could take care of the armies and the war strategies, and you could make the laws. You'd never have to yell at Vincent or swear back at Cid or bother Tifa again. You'd be able to do all those things to me. And I'd love it.

Tifa…

I'll admit. I was a child, once. I did have a crush on her at the time. But she lied to me, Yuffie. If she'd just come clean and told me what had happened as soon as she realised I was wrong, instead of joining in with my charade, none of this would have happened. Meteor would not have been summoned. We would have slain Jenova and I would have been able to take care of Sephiroth the first time I encountered him.

You can't trust someone who lies about something that important.

You were dishonest at times, yeah. But you never really lied. And when you did, it wasn't about anything absolutely vital. And I understood why you did what you did.

But…it's alright.

I can tell you're panicking inside. Your nails are bitten to shreds, and you aren't smiling. I'm panicking inside, too. But I've made up my mind. We're going to finish this. Jenova will be destroyed first – then, her son.

And then her son's copy.

But it doesn't matter. We're all going to go anyway if we don't do something. And Holy gives us all a little chance. At least whatever happens next will be the best for the Planet.

So the Planet's our priority. Aeris sacrificed herself for it. She was a martyr for this cause, and anything worth dying for has to be important.

I remember hearing somewhere that some say the Cetra were descended from angels. It's not completely unbelievable, is it? We all knew how perfect she was, how she looked like all she needed was a halo and she could have passed for one of those angels out of those old Costan paintings. Even her personality was angelic.

But then again, they also call Sephiroth an angel. There were rumours at the height of his popularity that he was an avenging angel. Because there seemed to be no other way to describe how incredible he was in battle.

Anegl? Hah. Demon. He's the son of Jenova. He is evil given a solid form. He is unreal.

We have to defeat him, Yuffie. But I want the final blow. Because that'll be the last thing I do. And the Holy will be unleashed, and…

…and I'll be gone.

I don't believe in an afterlife. I think I'll just sink into oblivion. The Lifestream gave me a little hope, but now I know I won't enter that – I'm too full of Jenova. I'll end up in a limbo at the most, trapped in a little eddy in the Lifestream like Lucrecia was.

If I do, I want you to come and visit me, Yuffie.

…That sounded strange. It's just as well that I'm not saying any of this.

Besides, I can't tell you that I'm going to…die, can I? You'll only get upset. And I don't like looking at you when you're upset.

Yuffie, you do care. If anyone in the group was a loose cannon, it was me.

And I'm getting sick of being that one.

So I don't mind. If we lose, we'll just go earlier than everyone else. If we win, I'll die. If we chicken out, we'll all die because of Meteor. I'm trapped in a lose-lose situation, and I really wish I wasn't.

But at the same time, I don't really care.

It's a strange feeling. It's like I just…want to save you, Yuffie, and everyone else on the Planet.

Yuffie, I'm gonna die. But don't be upset. Please.

Because I've always wanted to go young anyway.


End file.
